16 Months Past the Cross – Be Still and Know
By Terrie C
I received a wonderful compliment this week. It terrified me. It humbled me. It made me run to my Creator to confess my flaws. And it made me think, which is always a good thing! Once upon a time, before I walked away from the cross, I had a “ministry” page on FB. Hundreds of people followed it, and on any given day I could have told you exactly how many “likes” it had. I never ran out of material to share because I was sure I had all the answers. Aside from my duties here in the non-cyber world, I was sure the page was my “calling”. “The great commission”, and all that. The name for the page came to me late one night in a dream. I “heard” the words “write this down” and so I did. For almost two years the words “Lost Sheep Oasis” were scrawled in my prayer journal. When I decided to begin daily postings on the page, the name seemed like a perfect fit. In retrospect, perhaps it was.
During the time I had the page open, it was an oasis for me. A place for learning, for digging deeper, and for sharing what I learned. Then came the day I realized I was sharing from more than just the Scripture. I was sharing from the Christian Messiah perspective. From their writings, as well as from Tanakh. Even though I posted about Torah, Holy Days and Sabbath, I was still “teaching” salvation through a means other than repentance and obedience. I was devastated to know I may have led others astray! I struggled so much over what to do with the page. It felt like part of who I was to me; after all, I had poured hours of my heart and studies into it. Doesn’t that sound nice? It’s the truth, but it’s not the whole truth. Another part of me didn’t want to let go of something that had made me feel “successful” in my spiritual walk. That, dear reader, was pride (refer back to my comment about knowing exactly how many “likes” the page had). Pride. The page was “suspended” for a few months after I walked away from the cross. I wasn’t sure what to post. Certainly, I was not in a position to proclaim anyone else’s “wrongness” and certainly I didn’t want anyone to think I was misleading in my postings by simply eliminating Yeshua (Jesus) from them. I struggled with my decision and with my pride, but did shut the page completely down with a post explaining I had come to a fork in my spiritual journey. My time in the “oasis” was through, I knew. Nothing about me was the same. Walking away from the cross was a paradigm change that can’t be explained, only experienced.
I haven’t veered as far from the subject of this post, that compliment, as you may think. Bear with me.
If you have a God-given talent, you will understand when I say that the writer in me yearned to write. This story-teller had stories to tell, the Torah student had notes to share. Words swirled in my brain until I thought my head would explode. But I was enveloped in another prideful event. Fear. For five years, I had spouted wrongness. People responded with tremendous encouragement and agreement. To my wrongness. With all the new concepts I was learning once the “new” testament doctrines were out of the picture, I didn’t feel qualified to share any of it! Fear. “What if I’m wrong about this thought or that one?” played in my mind like a mantra. Such a short time ago I thought I knew it all, and ~BOOM!~ just like that, I wasn’t sure I knew anything at all, except that my God is ONE. Pride and fear.
With the right kind of encouragement from the right kind of friends, I began slowing pecking away at my keyboard once more. Sharing my experience, and exercising the new concepts I am learning on this side of the cross. I even opened a brand new page, a place that I pray will highlight God’s glory and goodness, and not my own “knowledge”. A place I hope will inspire and encourage others to let His Word be a lamp unto their feet. I can’t tell you how many “likes” this page has because I don’t check. I don’t care. Now, once I’ve written my heart, which I share so you can know you’re not alone in this journey, I release my effort to God, and trust Him to do with it what He will. My full name isn’t even attached because it’s The Almighty’s Name that matters, and not my own. I’ve repented from my pridefulness in my writing ability, which isn’t “mine” at all. I will continue to do so, should the need arise. Repentance is a lifelong venture! Maturing is for a lifetime, as well! No longer do I think I have it all figured out, but I sure intend to stay under the shelter of the wings of the ONE who does! With my eye, mind and soul set on seeking wisdom and understanding.
And so my heart is full of thanks to the dear friend who complimented me this week, but I would be remiss to let him think any of this maturing process is easy for me. I am eloquent in writing about my experience, because YHVH bestowed an eloquent way with words upon me. The experience itself has been anything but eloquent. In “real life” I flop like a fish on dry ground as my own light and darkness struggle within me. Eliminating the “middle man” who “paid my debt” leaves me spiritually naked and accountable. I’m not comfortable here at all, but I’m in exactly where I should be:
- Acutely aware of my need for my God.
- Acutely aware of my own shortcomings, and need for repentance..
- Acutely aware of how far I still have to go.
- Acutely aware of the weight on my end of a covenant relationship with my Creator.
- Acutely aware of my responsibility when interacting with others.
Who else but the ONE we serve could take the accounts of my blundering through this thing we call life and use them to inspire someone else? I can barely wrap my mind around it! But He does it. Divine connections, timely words, moments of revelations about ourselves in someone else’s story… it’s all from Him! I stand in awe!
Truly it is all of you who inspire me! It’s so good to know I’m not sojourning through this world alone, and that there are others with me on this stretch of the path. My first page was truly a “Lost Sheep Oasis” for me, but time in an oasis is always temporary, isn’t it? My new page is called “Be Still and Know”, which perfectly describes where I am right now. Not teaching doctrines I do not fully understand. Not pointing fingers, or worrying about where anyone else is on their path. Simply being still and knowing that God looks so different through this new lens! So much bigger than He did before! Drop in and say “Hi” if you feel so inclined. (https://www.facebook.com/Be-Still-and-Know-1636416253262994/)
“See” you next week!